It is a Saturday morning, I have been awake since about 4 am. Due to one stupid thought that entered my mind and refuses to let up. Thus, being a women and having to think about every detail...I find myself awake and registering my rage/confusion/insomnia with well no one in particular and maybe no one ever.

So here it is. I am 23 years old and I am a VIRGIN! Thats it. That is my unsettling breakthrough. So, yes I know what you are thinking. Well you must be: fat, ugly, some bible thumping nut, something that has caused you to be this way. Well that is what I think you are thinking (blah!).

Anyway despite what you are thinking and despite your implications towards me, my virginity lies in one self truth: I haven't had the chance.
Despite the thoughts that all men are horny toads waiting to hump the first thing in a skirt that stands still, 'tis isn't true. Let me explain my short lived non existent love life which may help.

Since I was about 15 guys have come and gone into my life but I never have had a serious relationship. Partly due to my parents desire to set up the family camp near an Air Force base, and slightly due to the scarcity of available heterosexual men at my high school (it was a performing arts school....'nuff said) I had no real deisre to date. I dated one guy who was a year younger than me for about 3 months. Then one day I just called him and broke it off. I went to prom with someone I had known only a couple of months and got rid of him as soon as I possibly could that night to party and drink myself into a stuper.

Thinking that I would continue my lack of desire to date, I went to a womens college....yes a woman's college. From the gays to the lesbians....this is my life! It wasn't until I was there that I realized how incredibly horny I really was. Satisfied slightly with a girl I came to knew very well (...believe me, not as jenna jamieson as it sounds), I was ok until sophomore year. Realizing that I probably was the only one that hadn't had sex yet...I made a pact to lose it. I would later realize this pact was indeed a curse to my raging hormones.

My first close encouter of the intercourse kind happend like this. I went over a guys house with one of my college dormmates. We were bored and were just going to "watch a movie". Well we got there and began to drink so heavily it wasn't long before the room was indeed spinning. I was talking to a rather educated college gent , which has always been my turn on, and began to get very "sleepy". He, of course being the gentleman that he was, offered to let me lie down in his bed. Well I think we all know how that went and before long we were hot and heavy. Off came the clothes and I was really READY....and then,.....nothing....thats right, you guessed it....the Colonel would not salute. He tried everything and I even tried oral stimulation (HAH! i was clueless). Nothing...the alcohol was taking me over more and more by this time so I settled for some more cuddling and then I fell asleep. Is that all you ask? No, I woke up, about 6am to him grinding on me and kissing again...apparently the Colonel was back from his shore leave and ready to board the ship. The guy was so fired up that he just tried to go in the back way (not anal)...but couldn't find the hole. He just fumbled around and jabbed it between my legs for awhile....and then....yes...limp again. After that he just laughed and I was like, "You're gay and Im sleepy....just leave it" So that was it...nothing.

My second encounter, not any better...quite funny to tell you the truth. Yet again I had been drinking (c'mon....im from VEGAS for goodness sake!) and was out patrolling the strip for guys to talk to, or laugh at. All of a sudden along came this small Mitsubishi Galant with 2 pretty good looking guys in it. One of the guys, was VERY hot in my drunkin taste and I was definitely interested. Because we were on a road...and not really stopped we got the number and told them we'd call. We did, I dont think it was until the next day that we met up though, and went to one of the guy's apartment.

I sat on the couch with my fine friend and she sat near him for only a couple of minutes before going to his bedroom (thats how my friends and apprently all of vegas is by far...maybe even the world...who knows!). Anyway, the guy and I were very interested in eachother, he had been drinking....I was sober (yes sometimes I am). We started going at it on the couch...kissing and such...clothes were pretty much off and he goes DOWN THERE! I was a bit put off at first and then I was defintely excited. Totally hot, now I asked him if he had a condom (yeah like how i think i know what im doing?) he goes into his pants pocket and attmpets to kiss me while putting it on. I notice he is very hard and in my mind I am slightly relieved. He gets it on kisses me and we get into horizontal position when I hear a noise, sounded like a door......and yes, his friend comes out of the bedroom. Im butt naked without thinking grab his shirt and put it on. I dont know if he's hot anymore but Im ice cold...and embarrassed. He's just looking at us when he goes back in his room. My friend is still all for the act but Im like, "I better get dressed". He was bummed but ok with it and its a good thing. Not 5 minutes later, my friend and the other guy come out of the room again! We laugh. This is my life.

Besides a couple of other failed attempts I have had no contact in awhile. I am beginning to be one of those depressed chicks on Lifetime that always inquire...."what's wrong with me???" I think I know. You see the answer is completely scientific and one that I should never have avoided from the start. Im not terribly fat, or ugly, or overly religious....the answer is plain and simple: I AM CURSED. Doomed to roam a virgin until the end of time, and that, my firends is my story. Stay tuned...